dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
