we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
where are you?
Hypothermia
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Randomize
