Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
