don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
