i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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