These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
We're too hungover to prance.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
