Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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