At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
