I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
