i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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