i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
