I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
