his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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