Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
