Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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