my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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