if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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