you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
