As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
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Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
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We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
there is glitter all over my balls
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