The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
