Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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