She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
