I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
