I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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