I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
