margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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