He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
