What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
