just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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