Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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