Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
