he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
