he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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