Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm passing your future prison.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
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If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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