My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
