First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
