this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
