new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
