I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
