Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
