What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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