There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
