I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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