I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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