He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Be still, my beating vagina.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging