Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.