Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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