I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
