Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
