so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
