Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
