Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Define "chronic" masturbator.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
