you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
