So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
