Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
