you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You need Xanax blowdarts
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
