Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
